When it’s time to write, I sit before my computer screen for quite sometime. I twiddle my fingers nervously, trying to decide if I am truly brave enough to say what I am thinking. Fifty million topics flutter across the chalk board of ideas in my mind- but I quickly erase them all, too afraid to write what I’m thinking because it makes me vulnerable.
I have been a blogger for 5 years, and it’s always nerve wrecking as you realize that you are a story teller- of your own story. My story is neither graceful nor pretty. It’s full of tragic mistakes that brand my heart as I seek a God to mend and restore. Lots of tears and lots of process, but it’s mine.
I used to blog with the hopes of impressing my hundreds of followers with my love for God. LOL. That is so gross. Now I blog, knowing I am so fragile and breakable. That my writing is for my own sake, to help make sense of my story. I’m writing for my health, because talking just won’t do.
My name- Ariel- means lioness of God. But I’ve been nothing but fearful. But I am learning the importance of my voice and my sound. I am learning how to be free.
So when it’s time to sit down and write, more than any other time during the day- i feel brave.
Anxiety and Depression.
Two almost catch phrase sorts of words used in society. Nearly everyone I know has said to have one or both of those. On social media or in daily conversation, someone is talking about the fact that people just need to understand that they have these. It makes it hard to have real conversations with people about these very real things, because most of these people are self diagnosing.
When I was young, I was diagnosed with MDD, PTSD, and an Anxiety Disorder. Now, though I don’t let those things define me, I’ve found it’s really hard to have real conversations with people about this. Because everyone has it. The words almost don’t mean anything to anyone anymore. People don’t understand what they mean. They have become trivial and meaningless.
I don’t talk about my difficulty with anxiety and mdd. It’s hard enough finding the words to explain it, let alone getting past the stigma and the overuse of the diagnoses. But it’s become harder with a self diagnosing society.
Jesus is and always will be a healer. And I believe He will always come through and set captives free of all and any mood and emotional disorders. But to be open and honest, it would be helpful if people didn’t talk about it so lightly, like it doesn’t mean anything, so people who truly do struggle with it could really get real help and healing.
Harrisburg. I love this City. I love this place. I love the flow of creativity that comes when I stay in this area even for just a day. I feel like I become the best version of me here, in this City. The potential is limitless. At the end of February of this year I came up here, feeling confused about so many life circumstances, but believing that Jesus wanted to meet here and speak with me about so many different things. That weekend I received a prophetic word from Shawn Bowlz that definitely affected how I view myself and even my potential.
This weekend I found myself here at the last-minute, again, and got to do something I don’t often get to do. A few friends and I went out to the city to a restaurant, and there were tables of us, sitting around and talking about our histories with God, how we all ended up here this weekend. As we were sitting I was feeling rejuvinated, watching how animatedly everyone was talking about God. And just like that- Holy Spirit moved like a coarsing wind throughout the resturaunt. People were getting healed, emotionally and physically like wildfire.
This place is like a gentle kiss upon my heart. It awakens the dreams inside of me that I didn’t know existed. It lights me up and brings me so much clarity. It gets me outside of myself and it makes the impossible possible.