Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel.

I wish I could express to you clearly…

I wish I had the words. My life is brighter because of you. My heart is fuller because of you. My hope is greater because of you. My confidence has grown because of you. The way you smile Daniel lights up a whole room. The way you are so animated is like watching a show that I just can’t turn off. Your eyes light up and get crinkles around the corners when you’re really happy. You’re hands may be rough but I feel so so safe inside of them.

The way you kiss my cheek, my forehead is the same way you kiss my lips, like I am the most precious, valuable, beautiful girl, something i have never felt in my life. The way you cup my face when we are snuggling, makes me close my eyes, and I genuinely feel like nothing can get better than that moment.

You have opened your heart to me, let me in to see all the corridors of your heart. You let me brush off the cobwebs that hang on the ceiling rafters, even though sometimes it hurts, because you’ve understood the value of connection and intimacy, over the value of hiding in shame.

You gently ease your way into my heart, goofy laugh and bright eyes, weakening my defenses and every lie I’ve believed to push people away. You stay. You don’t quit. You don’t leave. You are resilience in its purest form that I have ever seen. You are happiness even when you’re a grouchy grandpa. You’ve grown in humility and taken a dagger to your pride and selfish ambition, to love both yourself and I better. You make me want to know the depths of God in a way that I’ve been struggling to see my entire life.

You make life so happy. You are the surprise that I never saw coming. You are the song that I didn’t know the words to until it began. You are the whisper on the wind that entices me into the quiet autumn days that i love so much. You are the heat of the sun that causes my skin to glow. You are the heartbeat, pounding in my ears, you are the you are colors that I refuse to wear but can’t stop staring at, taken by their beauty.

You are what I never thought would happen. You are everything and more. You are my love. And I am honoured to have everyday, today, tomorrow and forever by your side. I no longer wait for a moment to arrive. My everyday life is that moment that I never thought would come. You are my best friend. And you are the greatest gift that has ever been given to me. I love you.

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Dear Daniel

To My Younger Self

To my younger self, and for the young ones yet to come. There’s a lot of weight in being able to love yourself properly. There’s life changing, breathtaking, endless possibilities in allowing yourself to be wherever you’re at, 100% of the time. Even if that somewhere is in the floppy untied shoes of a pimple faced teenager, that feels so uncool next to all of the “actual cool kids”

We are young, and we are naive, and we are so desperate for independence. We are desperate to leap from the nest, with outstretched wings, ready to tell Mom and Dad off, believing we are ready to be on our own. But, I’d say to you, wait a little longer. Hold off just a little bit longer. Let your Mom kiss your head and hug you tightly. Let your Dad tease you about your silly teenage ways a little longer. And if your parent is a single parent, well, wait even longer. Ask your parents for help. They love you, and want the best for you, even if it’s not what you think is best. Because in no time at all, you will look back, and that time will be nothing but a vapor, a memory that you can’t even remember properly.

I look back at me as a kid, from what I can remember. And honestly, it kills me. I wish I knew that I was loved. I wish I knew that I didn’t think I had to sell myself short with the hope that someone would notice me. I wish I didn’t waste all of that time, lying to my parents faces, hiding behind fake smiles and a fake personality. I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself. I wish that I had learned that I was good enough so that I would value the friendships I had instead internally battling with anyone I thought was better than me.

I wish that I had known that it’s okay to speak up when someone hurts you. I wish that I had known that I had the ability to change the course of my life just by speaking up, becoming brave, simply by asking for help. I wish that I had known that if a man touches me “there or there” that I could tell an adult and I didn’t have to be scared and that I wouldn’t have to perpetuate a cycle of abuse for years, even into my adulthood.

I wish that I didn’t need more than two hands to count the number of friends who have died, living to fast, too eager to grow up that they forgot to slow down. I want to bring them into the future with me, but all I have are memories. Fragmented memories.

To the younger ones who are reading this: Slow down. The world will not go on without you. There is no one on this earth that is worth forsaking your happiness, dreams, hopes, and peace of mind for. There is no one that can love you better than your parents. And if you don’t have any, then think of someone who loves you most, even if that’s yourself. Life is so short. It’s a vapor. You, believe it or not, are not invincible. You can be broken. You can die. One day you will look back, and you will wish, just like me, that you had slowed down just a little more.

Enjoy each moment to the fullest. Hug your family members, whether they be blood or by choice, a little longer. A little tighter. More often. Forgive when you can, and always move forward. Don’t lose yourself trying to be someone else. You, are one of a kind. Infinitely valuable. Ridiculously talented. Exceptionally needed. Eternally wanted. You are bright, beautiful, and full of life.

To My Younger Self

Miss Independent…Or Not?

This week I am exhausted. Not physically but mentally. I’ve been moving the chess pieces around in my life, hoping everything will turn out for the best when it’s not even something I can control. I like for everything to be planned out, consistent and not last minute. My week has been the exact opposite. Finances have run out. Emotionally riding a roller coaster and trying to plan a wedding.

Then my Aunt swoops in, saving the day. And the pressure is off just for a little while.

I’m used to doing, or at least trying to do everything by myself. I’m independent because I’ve seen peoples’ unstable reactions to my life events. Usually they want to hear, but then they freak out when you tell them what has happened. They back off, or they flip out in anger, or they give you examples of all the things they would do, “if” then back away if you don’t go with their suggestions. It scary, because these situations are so delicate for you. It’s your real life, but to them they can come and go as they please, like a summer breeze.

Independence and my own personal strength, of how much pain and heartache I can take have been my victory flag. I love testing my emotional strength. But not right now. I just want to be scooped up, and understood, nutured, and cared for. I’m not sure how to let that happen without letting someone in to do so.

My Aunt told me today that I have to make the decision to let God come in and save the day, to rescue me. I know that- in a far out distant, hands off sort of way. But I’ve never been brave enough to let it actually happen. Because strong people don’t need and or want rescuing. But I’ve just about had enough with pretending to be strong.

Miss Independent…Or Not?