Hot Pink Fingernails

2017, why have you been so discouraging. This has been a challenging year in so many different ways. And I’ve decided, resolved within myself, not to give up when things get hard. And it’s so unfair because this year has been so hard. Honestly it’s been like I’ve been on the receiving end of an electric shock, and I don’t think God is trying to zap the hope out of me but honestly my brain is so fried and I am emotionally exhausted.

At the beginning of the year I made resolutions, which isn’t something I do. But I made them with the hope of seeing God come through and believing that He is good. And the first month I met someone who blessed me above and beyond and paid for $135.00 worth of bills. I was so blessed and grateful and believed that Jesus was preparing me for a year of a new perspective on the world and my version of hope. I left all the kink stuff, and committed myself to Him.

Since January, I’ve been so misunderstood and accused by people who are christians. I’ve been grieving trauma from last year that I haven’t even had a chance to work through. My grandfather passed and a month and a half after Pierce passed. The people I’ve worked for have hurt me and fallen short on their commitments putting me between a rock and a hard place. I have family stuff that’s awful and not mine to talk about. I have bills that I need to pay and can’t. We are movsing and I am exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well.

I’m not making a list to say people should feel badly for me. Empathy is helpful, sorrow is not. But y’all, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t exhausted. I thought Dad said this would be a year of breakthrough and vision and hope. And I’m finding that almost 7 months in, it has felt like the exact opposite.

Today I got MORE tough news lol. I was literally laughing at this point- amazed that my life could be going so wrong when all I want to do is follow Jesus. I was driving home, fully aware of the details of a situation before they were brought to me. I was crying, then laughing, laughing, then cussing, then repenting. I didn’t think anything else this year could go less in my favor than it already had.

I finally arrived home, sat on the couch, gritted my teeth through a tough conversation with someone I care about but was also bringing me not super great news. Once off of the phone, I shook my head, cried and then laughed, made my way upstairs, closed my bedroom door, locked it and snuggled in bed as I shared with my friends the news and tried to grit my teeth through their shocked responses. After a few minutes I made my way back downstairs, and grabbed some nail polish and the buffer and cuticle removed. I wanted to paint my nails black, because it’s my favorite color, but there was also hot pink in the box. I stared at the two colors and frowned. And in that moment I felt like I heard the Lord say (though idunno cause it seems like I’ve been off all year) that I shouldn’t wear the black nail polish because I’m not in a hopeless situation. I rolled my eyes and poured as I grabbed the pink and just shook my head.

I have felt like a joke this year. My life is a joke. I didn’t have much dignity and now it’s been wiped out with a flood. I didn’t have much vision for my life but I had was dashed in a few seconds. I didn’t have much hope, but I placed the little I had in Jesus.

so I painted my nails pink. Because today [expletives] Sucked. But at some point this will allllll turn around? Or Jesus isn’t real? Lol not ready to give that one up 🤷🏾‍♀️

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