I haven’t written in a while, mostly because my blogging became journaling and I needed a different outlet to do some deeper though processing. At the beginning of February I began watching Kinsley. Kinsley is an adorable 3 year old girl with sass for days. I’ve got little to no maternal desire to have my own kids, but I do enjoy watching kids. The last month and a half has been a journey of learning who I am, what i believe, and what is and isn’t truth. In the process I’ve felt like my insides are being pulled to the outside and laid upon a table and cleaned. That’s a really gross picture but it’s reality.
While watching Kinsley I’ve learned a lot about myself as well as about my perception of who God is. When Kins gets upset, she throws tantrums. I mean she screams and yells and loses her shit. She doesn’t mean to, but she doesn’t know how to communicate and so she just loses it. In the same way, I stuff all of my emotions to the pits of my heart and deal with them by myself. In the process, I’ve become emotionally immature and unable to think through my own feelings and thoughts without getting caught up in the whirlwind that is my own being. I hate confrontation because I don’t know how to communicate what I am feeling. I don’t know how to tell someone that I am hurting.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to argue with mom and dad. We weren’t allowed to talk back or really even talk when we were in trouble. It was now listening time, and you were expected to answer the questions that you were asked. When I was asked these questions I was consumed with anxiety. I immediately retracted and believed that my emotions weren’t important. That the things I was feeling weren’t important. This has easily transferred into my adulthood, because even when i do know what I am feeling I am too scared to say it. I feel as if I say that what I am saying is wrong or could be perceived as not listening, so I tend to cower back and not say what I am thinking which catapults me into self destructive behaviour.
All this to say- even though looking from this side of things it feels scary and gross to learn all of these things about myself, it’s also relieving to know these things about myself. It brings clarity to different aspects of my life, different destructive ways and patterns that I have lived in. I’ve been horrible at communicating to people my feelings and even worse at communicating to God how I feel, or even receiving his heart towards me because I believed that all I would get is a reprimand.
But happy valentines day to me, because today I know that He is listening, and He does care and I and my thoughts are so so so important to Him. And that is one of the best things I could ask for.